


Leaving

by VentoSereno



Series: Vignettes [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Developing Relationship, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Post-Order of the Phoenix, Pre-Half-Blood Prince
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2018-02-13
Packaged: 2019-03-15 02:49:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13603971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VentoSereno/pseuds/VentoSereno
Summary: Covers the gap between OotP and HBP - Remus is leaving for the werewolf camp.Doesn't explicitly cover RL/NT scenes from the canon, but you can very much assume they are happening in the background.





	1. Primrose Hill

**Author's Note:**

> My second work of fanfiction. 
> 
> Writing falling-in-love, "early days" Remadora is a joy, but when things get angsty it can get quite difficult for me! Hoping this isn't too melodramatic. 
> 
> Reviews still very much appreciated!

They come out at the top of Primrose Hill. The light is just fading over London and she loves this view. The weather is blustery and as she had predicted, there is no-one around. She plonks herself down on the bench and looks at him expectantly.

He takes his time, looking around, building up the courage to say whatever it is that he's going to say. She tries to tell herself not to be too hopeful, but her heart hammers in her chest and she can't help but hope, hope that he'll say something, anything, which explains away the weeks of cold detachment. 

He finally turns to face her, but does not sit down.

"Tonks…it was nice. What you said, at the meeting. Thank you."

She hadn't been expecting this. "Was it? I wasn't really thinking. Though I stand by what I said, this mission is stupid. Why are you thanking me?"

"Because most people would think that's exactly where I belong. In Greyback's pack, I mean. And your first reaction was to say how ridiculous, and dangerous, and stupid you think it is. I'm grateful for that." A pregnant pause. 

"I know I've been…things haven't been normal between us. I'm sorry for that. I just wanted you to know how grateful I am for your friendship."

Tonks feels her heart plummet but she tries to keep her face impassive, her eyes fixed on the ground. So, this is the brush-off. _I care for you…as a friend._

It has arrived weeks after her initial overture but this does nothing to lessen the pain it inflicts, even though she had known that it was wildly optimistic to hope for anything else. He hadn't exactly swept her off her feet when she'd confessed her love for him. And yet, she had hoped…

The silence stretches out between them, and he settles himself on the bench next to her. Not too far, but not so close, either. She's got to stop looking out for that sort of thing. Yes, time was, he'd sit very close and she would relish every brush of his leg against hers, like a lovesick schoolgirl. But that time has long passed, and it seems to grow more distant and hazy by the day.

"I must do it, Tonks." His words interrupt her reverie. "After all, who is better placed than me to go? Here I am, a ready-made spy." He chuckles bitterly. He glances over, but his eyes slide off her almost immediately. "Probably best I go away for a little while, anyway."

Her heart rate picks up and she turns to fix him with her best truth-searching gaze, usually saved for interrogations at work. "Why bother? You've been ignoring me so effectively, I sometimes wonder if I've become transparent. And better for whom, anyway? For me, or for you?"

He has the decency to look troubled, but only offers a one-worded reply - "Both". She waits expectantly but he offers no other explanation.

Her frustration peaks and she stands up, almost squaring up to him, though he is still sitting. "That's it then, is it? Great talk."

She makes to walk away, but then rounds on him again. 

"You know, Remus, I thought more of you than this. It's pretty simple. If, on the one hand, you don't feel the same way I do, then have the decency to just come out and say so. I'm a big girl, I can take it." 

She pauses, feeling uncertain yet determined. 

"But if, on the other, you ARE interested, which I must say, you gave every sign of being before the Great Freeze of '96 - then what the hell is going on?!"

She stares at him, defiantly. He is looking at her in disbelief…and…fear? Delight? She used to think she could read him so easily, but it's like they've lost the language they used to share. His face is a blank page to her now, or a script in an alphabet she can no longer decipher. 

"Tonks…it's not that I…" He flounders. She waits, impatiently. "You must know I care about you. But you must also know, that things couldn't ever work between us…"

"No, I do not know that. I must be very stupid. Please spell it out for me." She feels calm and in control now, which makes a nice change to all the weeks of nagging doubts.

He gets up and starts pacing. She watches his silhouette in the rays of the setting sun. "Tonks…where do I even start?! I'm so much older than you…that alone should be more than enough reason. And I can't offer you anything. I haven't a knut to my name. That's without mentioning that I'm a Dark Creature. You know, the sort the Ministry likes to keep in check?! I can see the headline in the Daily Prophet now - _Auror runs off with werewolf!_ " He shakes his head, sorrowfully. 

Her heart flutters in her chest at the thought of the two of them running off together. 

"You're very presumptuous, you know. You could start by agreeing to go on a few dates with me. No-one ever said anything about jumping straight to an elopement." She says, cooly. "And anyway, it still doesn't explain what you thought ignoring me for weeks on end would achieve, except hurting my feelings, of course. Or why you're going off to hang out with Greyback."

He stops in front of her and pushes his hair out of his eyes. "I told you. I've got to go." He fixes her with a gaze of such intense honesty it pierces her. "And I never intended to hurt you. I just never expected you to feel the same way. Not in my wildest dreams. I panicked when you said…what you said. Totally panicked. And I…we can't, Tonks. I won't even consider it." He says, raising his hand, cutting off the reply she was about to make. 

He's finally voiced how he feels about her and heart should be soaring. Instead, she's indignant. "And I suppose I don't get a say in this?" 

He shakes his head. 

Suddenly, it dawns on her. "This mission is just a convenient excuse, isn't it? You'd rather run away and hide than face up to this, to us. Bravery, my ass!"

Remus hangs his head and refuses to meet her eye. 

There seems to be nothing else left to say. She sits back down, furious. Darkness is creeping up around them and he is still standing, scanning the encroaching darkness for lurking foes.

"We should go. Can I take you home?" asks Remus, softly. He holds out his hand. She so desperately wants to take it in her own, but is much too angry to admit it. 

"I thought you were too dangerous? A Dark Creature, and all that. Best no-one sees an Auror and a werewolf cavorting in the street, or what will the Daily Prophet think?!" she spits at him. 

She stands, makes to walk away, then stops and sighs. She wants him to take her home. She holds out her hand to him, and he takes it.

* * *

They disapparate back to her flat, but he does not take her up on her offer to come inside. He tells her he will not be able to write, and to please refrain from writing to him. He will try to come back as soon as possible, but it's unlikely to be before Christmas. 

The worst part is when he tells her it would be best for them both if she would try to move on. She should find someone more appropriate, someone that she can introduce to her parents. She flatly refuses and tells him she will wait for him to come to his senses.

He tucks an errant strand of hair away from her face, kisses her very chastely on the cheek, and leaves. She cries for a very long time afterwards.


	2. Goodbye

Three days later, on the eve of his departure, she is wandering aimlessly around her flat, trying not to imagine what conditions will be like at the camp, or what sort of welcome Remus might receive there. 

She sits at her desk, looking for something to occupy her mind with, but she's too restless to settle. Whilst she doesn't want to sit around thinking about him, she can't think of anything better to do, either.

_What does one pack when going off to live with werewolves?_

_What will he eat?_

_Where will he sleep?_

She is startled out of her thoughts by a knock on her door. She approaches it warily.

It's him. She stares, so taken aback she can't do much but blink at him. He looks confused too, as if not entirely sure what he is doing there.

"Tonks…may I come in?"

She moves aside, acutely, terribly aware of the bombsite that is her flat, of the age and ugliness of her comfiest pair of pyjamas. She rushes away from him, not to offer him a drink or a seat or a hook to hang his cloak, but to go and shut the door to the kitchen, so he can't see the piles of washing up _(who washes up with a broken heart? Why add to her own misery?)_. She then hastily shuts her bedroom door too _(he doesn't need to see that today was supposed to be laundry day)._

She turns to face him, embarrassed. They are both still in the hall.

She runs a shaky hand through her mousey hair - she'd been trying to coax some colour into it all day, with mixed results - and awkwardly indicates the sofa in the living room. "Erm…I think it's safe in there." He laughs quietly, and she thinks how nice that is, she hasn't heard that sound in ages.

They settle next to one another on the couch. 

"Hello." 

"Wotcher." A pause. "Remus…why are you here?" 

Remus sighs, and makes to shield his eyes with his hand. He looks mischievous, and guilty, and worried, all at once, and her heart skips. 

"I was hoping you wouldn't ask me that. I haven't really got a good answer. I'm going against all the good, logical, responsible principles that I set out for you the other night. I'm here because I couldn't stay away. Because I didn't want to go without seeing you again. Because I don't like how we left things, even though I haven't a clue as to how to set them right. Because I'm scared, and you give me strength and courage. Because I'm selfish and irrational. Pick any of those, mix and match them, they're all true."

She settles next to him more comfortably, and smiles. She feels like she hasn't smiled like that in a while. She takes his hand. 

Whilst they're being honest with one another…

"Don't go then." she states simply. "Just don't go. Please". 

He sighs again and squeezes her hand before letting go. "Please don't let's talk about it. If you'll have me, please can we spend one last evening together, like we used to at Grimmauld? I know I don't deserve it. But I miss you." 

She folds her hand back into her lap, and nods at him. He smiles back and nods his head towards the kitchen. "Is it safe to go in there yet? We can't have a night in without cocoa, can we?"

She laughs. "I'll do it. The place is in a state." She gets up and he stands too. "What is Professor Lupin always telling you, Nymphadora? A problem shared is a problem halved…"

He follows her into the kitchen. She makes the cocoa, and despite her pleading, he tackles the washing up straight on. They chat as they get her kitchen back to rights, sipping their cocoa at the table when they're finished.

They move back into the living room with half a packet of dusty popcorn she's dug out of somewhere and they settle in front of the fire. She's telling him about her up-coming move to Hogsmeade, and he's ticking off some of her more pressing questions about life at the camp - though of course, he is only taking an educated guess at what the conditions will be like. Also, she has the distinct impression he is telling her what she wants to hear to reassure her. 

They lapse into silence when her clock strikes midnight. It's much later than she realised. Time has flown, just like old times. He looks up to her, and smiles, sadly.

They speak almost simultaneously:

"I should go."

"Stay the night."

They blush. After a moment's hesitation - 

"I shouldn't."

"But I still have so many more questions…"

They've done it again, and it would be funny, if either of them felt like it was a laughing matter. 

"Tonks." this time he begins first, so she lets him continue. "I'd better go. It would be so much harder if I left tomorrow…"

She pretends not to understand what he means. "I don't see why. It'll be awful no matter when you go. It'll be like a sleep-over! I promise, I will behave like a perfect lady." She intones the last part in a mock finishing-school accent.

"I'm not sure I could promise the same, Dora." He says it very quietly and it's the first time he's ever called her that and his words make her blush and feel warm all over. She really, really wants him to do it again.

"That you wouldn't behave like a perfect lady?" she laughs nervously. "Alright, then. I will let you go when you answer one last question. And you must answer - no evasions, deviations, or hesitations". He smiles at her uncertainly, but nods.

Well, it's now or never. 

"Areyougoingtokissmebeforeyougo?" she breathes out. His eyebrows shoot up in surprise.

"Well…?" she asks, heart hammering.


	3. His first kiss

The first time he kisses her, it's a resounding success. There's nothing tentative or apologetic about it. It's desperate, and it speaks volumes about their mutual, mostly unspoken longing. They drink each other in like they've just discovered it's the only oxygen they'll ever needed. 

Hands begin a tentative exploration of faces, sides, backs. Fingers take great delight in coursing through hair, bringing each other ever closer. 

It's perfect. They don't resurface for a long time.


	4. Later

"I should really, really go."

She's attacking his neck with renewed vigour. "Why bother? It's almost morning. You may as well stay". She returns her lips to his and they do not resurface for a few minutes.

"You know I can't…" 

"Says who? I say you can. I don't see anyone else who needs consulting around here."

Another pause whilst the finer points of this argument are battled out with their tongues, rather than with words. She feels like they would both win, if they debated their issues this way more often.

"I am going to go. I've decided. I'm extremely firm when I've made up my mind." But he makes no attempt to move and she's crawled back onto his lap and that adds a frisson to the proceedings which needs to be explored.

"Right. I am really, really going to go now."

"No, you're not."

"Yes, I am."

After another long while he finally begins to pull away. He strokes her hair back from her face, and kisses her nose, her forehead, the back of her hand. He then shifts her gently off his lap, more determined to leave. She lets him go regretfully.

He gets up, and sneakily re-arranges himself. She smirks as he tries to hide the evidence of his arousal. He hadn't been able to hide the hardness she'd felt against her thigh for the last hour. He runs a hand through his hair, straightens his robe, and she stands up, and wraps her arms around him.

"Stay." she whispers in his ear and slips her hand down. He's too quick for her, though, and stops her before she can get anywhere interesting. 

He turns and kisses her, though, which feels like a reward of sorts.

"I love you. You know that, don't you?" she says, when they break apart.

He strokes her hair and looks at her sadly. He nods. She nudges him. "You're meant to say it back, you know."

"Yes." He agrees. "But won't it just make things worse?"

"I'll make things a whole lot worse for you if you don't say it right this second. I'll hex you into next week if you…" he interrupts her with a kiss of such blazing intensity her knees go weak and she holds onto him, tightly. 

When they break apart he whispers it, very softly against her lips, so she barely catches it: "I love you".

He still leaves, though. The next day, try as she might, her hair stays a lank, mousey brown. She won't be able to shift it for another 12 months.


End file.
